literature

Bad World

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Literature Text

Few words, I think, are worth saying again
But this short, short song (I) hope
Can mend, or bend, the dark (Play a song, magic guitar)
Twiddle your thumbs (Hit the big drums)
Forget what's right
See where that gets you
Gorge yourself on tabasco, just to feel the burn
Blend it in the canister of your sword-flu

Mending the twists in our straw-laden truth
Gravity still pulls (I) hope
Can't loosen the bullets (Muscle a way through it)
Toughen it out (Strike a vein south)
Forget this night
See where it's left you
Mull it over in your childish dreams, cream and blood
Dunk your heart in a philistine's merry stew

Count those calories, find the alchemy
Children feel the pressure (I) hope
Can they live without breath (Find a beach without bread)
Yammer away (Grit 'gainst the spray)
It's pure delight
See what it brings you
Dragons blow fire, flames, and smoke; will you let me choke
Leave us to be undecided, why don't you

CHORUS
It's all, all, the same
Dying to live, blackness turns
Oscillate like dominoes on the switchblade of a gun

BRIDGE
Trigger, trigger, trigger (finger)
Tether, tether, tether (canter)
Linger, linger, linger (killer)
Warrior, warrior, warrior (savior)
Screamer, screamer, screamer (murder)
This was inspired by the song "Mad World," as well as the film Donnie Darko. It's dark, complex, and bleak. I have yet to find/create a tune for it.

If you know anyone who composes music and might be interested, feel free to direct them my way!

:iconthewrittenrevolution: [link] [link]

Critique Points

Where are the images startling (in a good way), and where are they jarring (in a bad way)?

Which stanza is the most expendable, and why?

Is there any point at which the mood swings seem overdone/ over-dramatic to the circumstances?

If you are at all familiar with Donnie Darko, or the song "Mad World," was the connection obvious from the start, did it click when reading the description, or is the connection too vague? Is that a good/bad thing?

Also, the words in italics (newly added) are meant to be sung simultaneously with the words adjacent to them, creating a parallel, but alternate, narrative in the verses. Are these lines effective, or are they better off omitted?
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Comments28
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mspadfoot2's avatar
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

The images were fantastic. I don't think they were jarring at all. Not startling to me, but I'm rarely startled by violence and bleak darkness. They were very good, and you are incredibly talented. I especially like the line "gorge yoruself on tobasco" and "dunk your heart in a philistine's merry stew," even if it made me feel inadequate because I had to look up the word philistine. It's a great word, now that I know it. But yeah, great imagery. And I don't think the moodswings are overdone, either.

Oh lord, I love all the stanzas. I don't really think you should get rid of any of them, but if I must choose, I think I would choose the first one. I love the wording and the imagery and the last line is really great, but out of all the stanzas, to me it seems to say the least. Again, if you don't have to get rid of one, my advice is don't.

I've never seen Donnie Darko (although I want to), so I may be a bad person to judge, but the connection seemed a little strained to me. I get a very similar tone and point or meaning, but I had to think about it a bit. You'd probably be better at figuring out why or how to fix it, though.